He Dumped the Contents of our Closet on the Floor...

One time when we were kids, my dad came into the room my sister and I shared and he was ticked about our messy closet. Like seriously angry. He took every shelf out of our closet (there were 8 or 10 between us) and dumped them in the middle of our bedroom floor. It made a huge, gigantic pile of mess. We weren't allowed to leave the room until it was all cleaned up and in order.

Damn, right? But, guess what happened? We moved through that mess item by item, deciding what was worth keeping and what could be tossed. One thing at a time.

It took a little while because no positive change is instantaneous. It hurt a little because saying goodbye to things we've held onto for so long can stir up some grief, but in the end... it was glorious.

We put what we kept back on the shelves all neat and organized like. So much so that we were able to make an entire apartment community for our Barbies. Our closet became a playland that turned into hours of fun for us. And it never would have happened if not for that big, giant mess of our closet's contents in the middle of the floor.

Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and beautiful at the end.

Our minds are just like that closet and at this point in life, they are often pretty darn messy. My sister and I did not want to clean up that mess, but we did it together, had fun along the way, and were so happy and grateful for the result.

Working with me is like cleaning out a closet that you've avoided for years. I'm right there with you, helping you decide what to keep and what to release and we even have some fun along the way. Plus, the results? So, so good. You feel clearer, lighter, and excited about life again.

So, what are you waiting for? Book a Breakthrough Session with me. It's free and you're going to learn something that opens you, expands you, and may even have life-changing impact.

And I know that might be the very reason you haven't booked a call with me before. Because even thinking about change can feel hard and scary. Most human beings hate change and avoid change and there are biological and neurological reasons why. We can talk about why on the call.

I'll say it again: change is hard at first. Messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end.

And you can do hard things.
Book your Breakthrough Session Here.
#lowerstress #selfcare #TimewithTamara #youareworthit

Love or Fear?

I just finished cleaning the main level of my home. My partner, Mike, comes home after nearly 2-weeks on the road and I want him to come home to a clean, peaceful, clutter-free house that feels good to be in. Now, honestly, Mike probably wouldn't even notice if it wasn't "clean" (to MY standards) and he certainly wouldn't be upset if there was just as much pet hair on the rugs as there was before he left. But I care.

My big moment of awareness just now was noticing how good it felt to clean for him out of love instead of fear. When I was married, I had to make sure the house was ship shape and everything was in it's place multiple times a day or I'd have to deal with anger or the silent treatment, subtly-woven insults, and occasionally broken things. So, I was angry and resented my husband, my home, and even my kids because they were supposed to be perfectly in order, too.

It took years to release the trauma from a 15-year marriage to a highly controlling, angry, emotionally abusive, high-functioning alcoholic and today shows that there are still light layers of it hanging around. But they don't hurt anymore. When those moments pop up, it feels like relief and a victory. Because I've made healthier choices for myself. I've done deep work and it shows up in this peaceful, happy body and mind. It shows up in my partnership where there are two healthy humans doing their work separately and together.

One of the ways we keep ourselves stuck is by blaming our past and the people in it for our unhappiness. For the reasons why we can't be happy now or in a healthy relationship or a healthy body. But the past is behind us and we can always make new choices as we move forward.

If you're living from past pain, I know how to help you. I've done it and guided hundreds of clients to move out of the past and into today, plus, looking forward to create a different, happier, future. If it's possible for me, for them, then it is possible for you, too.

My group program's doors are still open. Let's walk through them together. DM me or visit my website now to sign up.

#healing #groupcoaching #support #divorce #parenting #selfcare

Are You Busy Wasting Time and Energy?

For the last 3 months I’ve been trying to solve an issue with my website’s pop-up/newsletter sign-up. I had two different pop-ups, two different newsletter sign-ups, and two different lists!!! Every time I sat down to write a newsletter, I tried again to figure out how to get rid of the one that was no longer serving my needs. Yet, no matter what I did or where I looked, it still popped up.

Now, I’m a smart cookie and I can usually figure things out. But I couldn’t seem to manage this one. So, finally, my partner walked into my office at just the right time. He’s well-versed in code and building or fixing websites. I mentioned this problem to him weeks ago, but never actually asked for him to look at it for me. Until that moment. 15-minutes later, my problem was solved.

15-minutes. After months of wasting my time and energy in an area that is not my expertise, he fixes it in 15-minutes.

Sometimes, we have to come to terms with the fact that we can’t do it all alone. Sometimes, we really do need to call in an expert. Like with websites… or happiness.

How many of you have spent years trying to manage your stress or think more positively, or simply be happier? Yet, year after year the same struggles pop up, defeating you and keeping you stuck.

Maybe it’s time for you to call in an expert.

I have a client, we’ll call her Lisa. Lisa came to me after years, decades even, of struggling with low self-esteem, holding onto and blaming events in the past for her present unhappiness, and anxiety around change. Not unusual, but definitely hurting her on a daily basis and hindering any possibility of the inner peace and well-being that is authentic happiness.

She called in an expert and in just months she was handling life better, coping with change more easily, and feeling better about herself. In a year, her happiness *score went from 37 - which is extremely low and essentially translates to having little or no experience of happiness in life - to 71!!! Which means having a “good measure” of happiness in her life!!! One year!!!

Imagine what your life could feel like one year from now? My clients notice the effects of learning and practicing new habits of happiness within days of starting coaching with me and in months their experience of life is transformed. They have more confidence, better sleep, deeper relationships, and are generally happier.

The path to greater joy, peace, and wellbeing isn’t necessarily easy and we aren’t taught how to “do” happiness… but it is a skill that can be learned. I would love to be the expert you hire to cut your time from problem identified to problem solved down to a fraction of the time that you could do it yourself!

Ready to experience more peace, ease, and joy in 2024? Let’s chat. My 9-month Radiant Happiness Rebirthed Group Coaching Program kicks off this month!!! Book a call with me to see if it’s a good fit for you and know that with effort, commitment, and expert guidance, a happier life is just around the corner.

* Every client I work with takes a Happiness Assessment to “score” their general level of happiness at the beginning and end of their coaching packages.

Introducing... me!

Hi there! It's been awhile since I introduced myself, so in case you're new here, I'm Tamara. I'm a speaker, coach, and certified happiness trainer!

A lot of people ask me how I got into the happiness business and it's because for a long time, I was deeply unhappy. I could remember a time when I had been happy, but I hadn't felt that way for a very long time.

About 10 years ago, I felt stuck in a relationship that was extremely toxic. I had gone from a confident, vibrant woman to insecure and ashamed. I didn't like who I was anymore and I had let my (ex) husband's voice become louder than my own. I believed it, for awhile, when he told me that I was too loud, that I complained too much, that I ruined everything, that I should be ashamed of myself, that I was a disgusting person. He even told me one Christmas that the song from The Grinch was really all about me.

It's no wonder so many people suffering in abusive relationships don't leave. They don't know they're worthy of something better because they've been broken down by someone who is supposed to love them. But abuse isn't loving.

Luckily for me, there was still a part of me that didn't believe him. My light was dimmed, but it hadn't gone completely out. We humans have a strong survival instinct and mine pushed me to reevaluate my life. I had children, daughters, and I didn't want them growing up thinking that this was how a man was supposed to treat a woman. I had a son and I didn't want him thinking that his father's behavior toward me was acceptable.

As the Universe does, it gifted me with a chance meeting of a woman named Michelle. She was a Certified Passion Test Facilitator. I didn't know what that was, but I remember feeling a full-body tingle and a sureness that it was meant for me.

Taking the Passion Test was the beginning of a radical transformation in my life. I began consciously creating the experience that I wanted and my #1 Passion was to "live authentically from my heart and soul."

Each day, I started choosing in favor of that passion and I began repairing my relationship with myself. Eventually, I was able to gather the courage to leave my marriage and live again. Over the past 8 years, I've reclaimed my own voice, my confidence, and am now one of the happiest people I know, living the life of my dreams. It isn't perfect, but some days it sure feels like it.

It's a gift to be able to work with others who are newly single to help them reclaim their own confidence, hope, and happiness. And this is what I do for a living now. By sharing my experience and the myriad tools and practices that I utilized along my path, I speed up the process from being a sad single to loving life solo for my clients. We unpack the baggage of past relationships so that they can go into the next one a lot lighter. We strengthen their inner voice so that it goes from being critical to supportive. We build the muscles of courage and happiness by taking baby steps and allowing ourselves to feel our natural, human emotions without, or at least with less negative, judgment.

For years now, I've helped people create lives they love. I run a local (to the Detroit Metro area) #Meetup every month, workshops, I speak to local groups and communities on the actions and habits of happiness, and I coach individuals and groups so that they can go from wherever they're starting to where they truly want to be in their lives.

Today, I'm putting my focus on people who are newly single who are ready to consciously create a better, happier life for themselves, whether they were the ones to leave a relationship or the one who was left.

Next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I'm hosting a free training on the 3 Keys to Loving Your Solo Life and I'd love to see you there! You can attend via my Facebook Lives in my new group, Rediscovering Yourself...Single by joining here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/5209340529132041/

or via the event, here: https://www.facebook.com/events/723069188881699

Whatever you're feeling today, it is totally possible to love your life and the most important relationship for you to focus on today is the one that you have with yourself. Once you love your solo life, you open up the possibility to create the relationship of your dreams. That next-level love is available to you... but first, you have to love yourself. Ready to learn how?

Join me!

*** I’m so willing to embrace imperfection that I even posted this photo after noticing something in this pic that the former version of myself would have never posted!!! Bonus points if you comment on what it is!

Coming Out

No, not the rainbow kind... I'm coming out from shame. From the shame that an abuser manipulatively uses to keep his (or her) victim quiet. For nearly 3 years I have been healing through whispers, sharing pieces of my story with those who have also been through it, or those whom I trust implicitly because of the emotional safety that they create with their presence. And only a little, tiny bit more with a group of conscious creators that I like to call, "Passionistas." 

We have been divorced for over a year; separated for nearly 3. He periodically goes on text tangents (because he is unable to speak to me in person without losing his.. temper) about how I should look up the definition of shame; that I am shame; that I should be ashamed. He wrote recently, "Shame is all over you. Shame is what you are."  My goodness, I am only just now realizing that he - my abuser, my husband for 15-years and the father of my 3 children - is right. 

He is right, after all. I am ashamed. I am. 

I am ashamed to have allowed him to shame me. I am ashamed of the hate for him that boils up inside of me when I work so hard to find some aspect of love for him for my childrens' sake and for my own soul. I am ashamed for staying silent for so long. I am ashamed for believing him when he says that it's me. That I am the crazy one. That I have made it (the verbal, emotional abuse) all up in my mind to justify my behavior. I am ashamed for the times that I believed... believe... him. 

Part of what keeps us quiet is that we... let me try that again. After a deep breath... part of what keeps me... no, what has kept me quiet, is the shameful belief that maybe they are the ones telling the true story. They are so convincing. He is so convincing. He is so sure that I am the one who has done all of the wrong that I have believed it, too. Even after two years out from under his thumb, a few sessions together in co-parenting counseling late last year had me questioning myself again. Maybe I was the one making up the story! Maybe he is perfectly fine (mentally intact) and I am the one living in an alternate reality! 

And fear. Fear for the repercussions of sharing my story. I don't know if he visits my website. I don't know if he looks at what can be seen publicly on my Social Media. I very rarely share anything directly about him, except in private conversations with  my closest friends. I don't want his anger to impact my children more than it already does. And I don't want anymore irrelevant, spiteful texts from him! 

And fear. Fear that the people who I love and who I believe love me won't believe me. That they'll say because he only hit me once or twice (and I hit him back) that it wasn't, and isn't, abuse. Verbal abuse doesn't count. Silent treatment for days at a time doesn't count. Angry outbursts and broken dishes don't count. Tiny, little (emotional) cuts don't count.

Yes, they do.

When I first told someone close to me that I was thinking of leaving my husband, she told me to "sex him up." That they're always happier when they're getting some. I was devastated. I provided that service for 15 years. It rarely made a difference in the level of alcohol he consumed or the number of insults he spit out. Apparently, I'm just too sensitive.

And No. I am not.

I am, however, someone who appreciates peace and calm and moderation. All of my life I've been a peacemaker. That, too, has kept me quiet. And no more. I can't. It is my responsibility to show others that they are not alone. That this happens. That it is real. That it is devastatingly painful and impacts the victim in ways someone who hasn't been through it can't even imagine. In ways that those of us who have been through it can hardly admit. 

So, I am coming out today. For myself. And for you. Verbal-emotional abuse is real. It is impactful. It happens all of the time and we do not deserve it. I do not deserve it. You do not deserve it. And like I did, you can find a way to leave, whatever it takes. What it really takes is simply courage. The courage to leave. 

Shadows and Light

I have this tattoo. It's on my left shoulder blade. I've always described it as two souls intertwined. Today, a new knowing emerged. It isn't two separate individuals at all. It is one. My own. The dark and the light parts of me. Those that I reveal to you and those that I have hidden even from myself. 

This week I've been delving into my shadows. Not the shadows of the world, simply my own. 

The Shadow is where the light is hiding. - John Newton

I've had this tattoo for 20 years. Today, for the first time I understand why I was so called to the artist's design; compelled to permanently mark my body with this expression of rapture, this linking, full-body embrace. The spirit body. My Spirit body embracing, loving, accepting all of who I am. 

The shadows are where the light is hiding. The other day I jumped into the darkness. A visualization, of course. What I found there was beautiful. What I found there wasn't a shadow at all, but the truth of my light. It is our light that casts the shadow, my loves. It is the contrast of life. these contrasts, as Esther-Hicks talks about frequently, that move us to discover more of ourselves, move through more of our growth, reach for our higher and highest states of Being. 

When you willingly open yourself to all of the things you think are your shadows, when you look, you'll see that there is nothing there at all. The shadows are the fiction of your Mind. Your light is the truth of your heart, your soul, your I Am. 

Deepak Chopra asks us to sit in meditation and simply as the question, "Who am I?" Ask until you know the answer. It isn't a finding out of the answer or a discovery, it is a revealing of all that you are. You are Love. You are the light. You are, simply, light. 

Until you can clearly see and feel that, keep shining your light into your shadows. See what you find. 

Embers Under the Ash - Reigniting Your Passions

Mother Nature gave Michigan a taste of Spring 2 weeks ago and I took advantage of the mild weather to finally clean up the back yard and flower beds. I raked mountains of leaves and collected dozens of fallen branches from the towering Maple that has seen many more years than I have.

 I found my rhythm and my restless mind quieted. The whisper of the breeze and the bird calls provided peaceful music and my soul-gardening began. Cleaning, clearing, releasing. 

After my fourth trip into the woods with the wheelbarrow, I  built a small bonfire in the backyard fire pit. I had frustrations to burn. Anger to vent so that it didn't come spitting out around my children in words I might regret. 

The fire burned hot and fast and when I finished my work (my soul-gardening), I doused the ashes with water to ensure no heat remained.   

The old Maple is one of many tall trees wrapping around the expansive back yard, so the next day, I got back to work. Next Autumn, I thought, I'll do a much better job than I did last year. I'm learning; it's been decades since I lived here. 

Photo by skhoward/iStock / Getty Images

With only a few loads to go, I decided just to drop the leaves into the lifeless fire pit for the next time. I stood, relaxed from exertion, reflecting on a job well-done. Suddenly, I saw smoke. Beneath day old ash and debris, heat remained. Burning embers that looked cold, but weren't. Within minutes there were flames. 

Our Passions are like this... Life covers us with layers, hiding our fire. Some of us can barely remember what once made us come alive. We think that nothing lights us up anymore. That we're cold, disconnected, just getting through each day. 

Just like my pile of leaves, the fire in your heart can burn bright again. Anyone's can. The hot embers are still there, ready for fresh tinder and a breath of air to alight them. 

What would it take for you to feel alive again? For your embers to turn to flames? Reach for it. Wake up! Live. 

It's Good to Hear My Voice

"It's just really good to hear your voice," she said. She was one of my many long-lost, beloved friends, sacrifices in my attempt to save something already broken beyond repair. 

For 6 years I tried to fuse the cracks. I said goodbye to my most cherished friends, disconnected with my own sister, closed myself in to focus solely on the necessary work of restoration. 

Nothing moved the healing beyond a tough scab. It easily tore open again and again, each time making it more fragile than before. Until, finally, I gave up. Without the constant friction of two parts, my own healing progressed rapidly. 

The final pieces of my heart have been put carefully back into place by reaching out to this handful of beautiful, brilliant souls who were innocent bystanders in my marital wreckage. "I'm sorry," are words I've grown very comfortable with. 

Each sincere apology has been greeted with blissful forgiveness. Not just to and from them, but to and from myself. 

With each passing day I grow stronger and more whole. My Passion for uplifting, loving relationships has soared. I have the best people in my life today. 

My voice has grown stronger until, at last, I am sure once more that it is my own.  

My voice.

"It's just so good to hear your voice," she said. And I thought, "You know? It is."

---

Have you ever lost your voice? Share with us how you found it again, or reach out for help to do so.