Uncovering the Blocks to Self-Love

Today, I am grateful to have learned from my daughter. She has wisdom that few possess at 11-years-old. She often asks me random questions about life. This evening as I cleaned the kitchen after our dinner, she was flipping through a Parenting magazine. She looked up from her spot on the sofa and asked me if I knew what she didn't like about transgendered people. The question surprised me, coming from my young sage, and I tensed, ready to preach, but she followed it with, "that they don't just accept themselves as they are." Ah.

So, we talked about cultural conditioning and societal programming (a little soapbox, but she seems to welcome it still). I asked her to imagine what it would be like if she were raised to believe there was something inherently wrong with her, that she wasn't normal. I asked her if she would want to change, in that case, to be "like everybody else." And she said, "No, I wouldn't want to change anything about me, because then I wouldn't be me."

Perfect. <3

Yet, this is the same girl who tells me that she doesn't love herself. Her actions and her other words tell me differently. Somewhere she has picked up the "agreement" that one should not love themselves. That this is ego. She may well have picked it up from me in her early childhood, as I was not mySelf then. So, it is society that tells us we are unlovable; that we are not good enough for our own love, respect, and appreciation. Or, Society tells us that it simply isn't allowed, or ok, to love ourselves. And this is a lie.

The truth is that we *are* love. You *are* love. You can't be undeserving of something you already are. I am grateful to my eldest daughter for being my teacher tonight. And every night.

Tell me, where did you learn that you shouldn't/couldn't love yourself? Be Courage (yes, be "courage") and share. <3

Love and Snowflakes

My son, the youngest of my children, has recently developed a particular wardrobe preference. He's obsessed with wearing shorts and knee-high socks. Because the Michigan weather is not yet shorts-worthy, he has instead taken to pulling up his socks over his jeans or pants (that's trousers for you UK English speakers). Honestly, it looks silly to me... and to my daughters who seem to be embarrassed and annoyed by his choices. They were complaining at the bus-stop, asking me to "make" him take his pants out of his socks, a request that I refused. 

This snowflake landed in my 9-year-old daughter's hair. While the picture isn't perfect, the snowflake was. 

Recently at home, we've been talking about values and integrity. My children are 10, 9, and 6 years old, and like I learned from Stephen Covey back at Uni in the 90s, I've begun my parenting journey with the end in mind. I'm raising human beings with the intention that they grow as positive forces of love in this world.

Hopefully, I consistently model our morals and values, so they've been learning along the way, but now they are old enough to learn the words that accompany the daily actions that define us.

I asked them what our Value was about acceptance. Don't we value accepting others completely and lovingly as they are? As we talked about the unique aspects of their wardrobe choices (one of them barely pays any attention and throws on whatever she reaches first and the other has a rather quirky sense of style that reminds me of Punky Brewster), I could see them start to let go of their firm belief that I should "make" him change his style ways. If he loves it and feels good, I asked them, then why should he change anything? 

"Do you feel good about yourself when you're dressed like that?" I asked my adorable little guy. He absolutely beamed. "Yes!" Then that's good enough for me.

My daughters shrugged and laughed and just then, I noticed the snowflake that had landed in "Punky's" hair. It was a star! Another snowflake floated gently into her long, brown hair. It was perfect - like the cut-out clings we stick on our windows at Christmas. I had just enough time to snap a picture before the school bus appeared. 

As I walked back to the house, I reflected. Why is it so easy for us to respond with awe and wonder to the beauty and uniqueness of a snowflake? We celebrate the fact that no two are ever the same. School children are taught this in a way that feels magical and the knowledge fills us with delight. Why, then, don't we feel that about one another? We are each one of Nature's unique and perfect creations; as different and as beautiful as snowflakes. 

We never judge a snowflake, do we? Or ask it to change or conform to be like we are. Why do we do that to each other? Just for a day, I invite you to look at others the same way you would a snowflake - with awe and wonder. See each person for the perfect, magical, unique expression of Nature and humanity that they are. 

The Passion Test - Scam or Treasure Map?

The other day someone very close and important to me voiced their opinion that what I do, giving The Passion Test, is a scam. "Who would pay $300 to find out what their Passion is?" 

First of all, I don't charge quite that much. Yet.

Second of all, it's a great question, isn't it? My Ego stood up straight and stomped its feet for a few minutes, but once I breathed into it, I was grateful for the opportunity to consider the answer, to find the gift. 

Who would pay to learn their Passions?

I let my mind drift and flow through the river of my thoughts and  wondered, is that really what people are paying for? 

Absolutely not. No one is coming to me just for the answer to what lights their fire. Deep in their hearts, they know what matters and they know they aren't living in a way that honors themselves. They feel discord in their lives and they want harmony. People come to me to find their voice, to see an example of courageous living, to see proof that it can be done.  What they are paying for, what they really want to know is, "How can I feel alive again?" 

How can I feel? How can I return to my essence after a lifetime of programming to live from the outer as opposed to the inner? How can I reunite with that state of wonder and joy that I came into this physical form experiencing? Who will give me permission to do so? 

I will. I give you permission. I am a light that reflects yours - the one you can no longer see, yet you feel is there somewhere. This is my gift. To help you see yours and only if you want to. I help you to acknowledge and allow into your life a feeling of happiness. I help you allow the awareness that it's ok to be happy, even when life isn't perfect. The awareness that it is ok to be happy, even when others around you aren't. The awareness that you are not your story. The confirmation that life is meant to be lived joyfully.

People are paying for directions to their ideal life, to joyful living. You buy a map or a GPS to help you navigate from your house to your vacation rental or from the countryside to the big city. It's the same, only this destination is much more important. People are paying for The Passion Test because it teaches them how to navigate their lives in a more joyful, purposeful and fulfilling way. 

If that doesn't resonate with you, that's cool. You're not my client. You're not going to pay me a thing. If it does resonate with you, if you value living a joyful, positive life in word and action, then it only takes a phone call or a message to become my client. 

Someone I love doesn't value what I do and that's ok. Because of The Passion Test and other tools that I've used along my way, I don't require the approval of others to feel good about myself or what I do. I value me. I value my work. I value you. Do you? 

It's Good to Hear My Voice

"It's just really good to hear your voice," she said. She was one of my many long-lost, beloved friends, sacrifices in my attempt to save something already broken beyond repair. 

For 6 years I tried to fuse the cracks. I said goodbye to my most cherished friends, disconnected with my own sister, closed myself in to focus solely on the necessary work of restoration. 

Nothing moved the healing beyond a tough scab. It easily tore open again and again, each time making it more fragile than before. Until, finally, I gave up. Without the constant friction of two parts, my own healing progressed rapidly. 

The final pieces of my heart have been put carefully back into place by reaching out to this handful of beautiful, brilliant souls who were innocent bystanders in my marital wreckage. "I'm sorry," are words I've grown very comfortable with. 

Each sincere apology has been greeted with blissful forgiveness. Not just to and from them, but to and from myself. 

With each passing day I grow stronger and more whole. My Passion for uplifting, loving relationships has soared. I have the best people in my life today. 

My voice has grown stronger until, at last, I am sure once more that it is my own.  

My voice.

"It's just so good to hear your voice," she said. And I thought, "You know? It is."

---

Have you ever lost your voice? Share with us how you found it again, or reach out for help to do so.

Bite-Sized Chunks of Self-Care

My 8-year-old daughter was administering personality quizzes to everyone in the house yesterday. She asked me, "Are you a social person?" Before I could answer, the other 4 people in the house all shouted an emphatic, "Yes!"

Yes,  I love a good party. I love to connect with people. I thrive in social environments and on the flip-side, I require massive amounts of solitude. My own self-care routines keep me sane. They keep me being a person that I like very much, a mom whom I like and respect. Without it, I get downright grumpy and honestly, even a little mean. 

I hear so many women say they don't have time for themselves. Baloney, I say. We all have the same amount of time in a day, it's how we use it that counts. It's paramount to honor yourself, to love yourself through action, not just thought. 

For almost a week now, I've had my usual abundant "me-time" thrown under the bus of sick kids. So,  how do I, and how can you, keep yourself a priority when you have little ones or sick kids demanding most of your time?  In bite-sized chunks. 

I normally take 30 minutes to an hour on each end of the day to myself. Yoga and meditation in the morning, journaling and meditation at night. During the day, I take a coffee break. I'm alone most of the day, but my coffee break is pretty sacred. 5-minutes during which I don't have to do anything. I can just sit and be.

This week, it's all bite-sized chunks. 5-minutes to stretch upon waking, or right after attending to the child who woke me up with sounds of sickness, you know the kind. 

5-minutes once they're settled to enjoy the coffee that probably won't lift the fatigue of a night of broken sleep. Still, I love the taste of that peppermint mocha. And the silence. 

5-minutes to step outside and breathe-in the hold that Winter still has over Spring here in Michigan. 

5-minutes to read and share a few inspirational posts on Facebook or Twitter. 

5-minutes at a time writing until this post is finished. I relish the brief moments uninterrupted by the need to comfort a child, sick at or on the toilet.

5-minutes to put on some eyes and lips to wake-up this sleepy, un-showered face. The transformation is a meditation in and of itself. 

5-minutes to get on my attitude of gratitude. These flu-type illnesses pass. They go away and we are lucky. My children are, overall, incredibly healthy. 

5-minutes to mindfully eat my food. I must nourish myself to be able to care for my child.

5-minutes to empty my mind and release, release, release. 

Sometimes these chunks of me-time last only a minute or two and that is enough. Enough to treat myself with loving kindness so that I have loving kindness to give back to my family. Enough to stay centered and grounded so I don't get overwhelmed with self-pity at my lack of sleep, solitude or the ability to get anything done. Enough to show the Universe that I value myself and therefore receive value from the Universe in return. 

Here's an old Monday Minute to remind you why self-care is so important, even in bite-sized chunks. 

Thank you for spending a few minutes of your precious time with me. How do you care for yourself when time is short? Share in the comments below or join the conversation on Facebook. 

Cooking Lessons

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

— Jim Rohn

The cauliflower was still in the fridge. It's the second or third time I've bought it since moving home. I could steam it. It's good that way. A little garlic and chili tossed in EVO and sea salt. Delightful. 

But I wanted it au gratin. I wanted it baked in the oven with that gorgeous, creamy Mornay sauce with a hint of garlic, a pinch of nutmeg and the cheese lightly grilled on top. At the thought of making it myself, my muscles tensed, my breath became shallow and I thought, "I don't know how." 

I spent 14 years side-by-side a very talented home cook, but 7 months ago I chose to start cooking alone. When I began to miss the diverse and delicious fare that I had come to love, I thought, "Well, crap. I don't know how to make any of that." I was what you might call the "sous chef" all of that time. I pretty much just minced the garlic and baked the bread. 

Yet, over the past several months I've been experimenting, making up my own dishes inspired by past (food) loves or whatever I am in the mood to eat. I've been feeling more like I did in my early twenties when I had my own kitchen to play in and good friends to cook for who were simply thankful for a homemade meal! 

Little by little, I'm regaining confidence in the kitchen. I can cut the veggies any way that I want to - imperfectly uneven, if it happens to turn out that way, and no one minds. I can breathe in the kitchen again. 

I thought of the quote that I shared in an earlier post, my mantra of late (“everything you want is on the other side of fear”), and decided to attempt the cauliflower in the way that I craved. The sauce is easy enough, no problem. The method and the ingredients suddenly came to mind... I knew just what to do!

I reflected as I stirred in the milk, little by little, how wonderful our subconscious minds are. They store everything. Every. Thing. Things we want to remember and things we don't. Things we think we forget and things we wish we could. Stored. Imprinted. Forever in our subconscious, recalled as needed. 

“When there is no one around to tell you that you can’t, you discover, deliciously, that you can. ‪”

That stored knowledge came easily and I felt happy. I knew how to cook it! I reveled in this new awareness. I could do it myself, for myself. And I would. And I did. And, at some point in the oven, my sauce fell apart. It was fine when I poured it over the cauliflower, but broke while cooking and came out runny, separated. 

It was delicious anyway. Not because it came out right or wrong, but because I made it. I made it and no one complained. I tried to make something I loved and though the sauce fell apart, it still tasted good. 

It was delicious. Not because it came out right or wrong, but because the only thing they said was, "Thank you." Dinner wasn't ruined. The evening wasn't ruined.  And I healed a little. 

And I discovered something; something I learned a long time ago and could only finally, now, fully understand - you truly do become who you spend the most time with. When you are surrounded by people who tell you that you can't, you begin to believe it, even if you don't think you do. 

When the critical voice is silenced by time or separation, and you invite more supportive people into your life, your inner voice becomes more supportive, too. And you discover you can. You can cook. You can... anything... and that is the most delicious thing of all. 

Your Monday Minute - Self Love in 3 Simple Steps

Love, self-love, is my religion

Your level of success in life stems entirely from your level of self-love. "Success" is a word that is completely objective, by the way. To me, a successful life is where you feel good most of the time, you are happy and experiencing love, joy, fulfillment and an overall sense of well-being. 

Many of us settle for happiness in one area of our lives at the cost of another - a successful career at the expense of a happy home-life or vice-versa. When you practice self-love, success naturally follows in all areas of your life because you don't even know how to settle for less. 

This doesn't mean you won't hit bumps in the road of life, but with a deep sense of love for yourself, you'll recover from them faster and more easily. 

Because we've been conditioned to believe that loving ourselves is narcissistic and selfish, many of us don't even know how to do it. But don't worry, I'm here to help. Find out the 3 keys to beginning your practice of self-love in today's Your Monday Minute! 

Self-love is the pillar to a successful life, so why is it that so many of us don't know how to do it? Start your self-love practice with three easy steps!

Your Monday Minute - Get Off Your Bum!

Welcome to Your Monday Minute - a weekly reminder about how much you matter! Creating a life that you love is all about feeling good. Feeling good requires a little bit of effort, but honestly, not that much. Watch this week's short video and get inspired to move! 

Inspired? Motivated? Have Olivia Newton John's Get Physical stuck in your head? Me too!

About 4 months ago I got serious about getting into better shape. It could be that a certain milestone birthday is approaching or simply that I finally gave into the fact that when I get physical exercise I feel better, but I finally started exercising regularly for the first time in my life (unless dancing for hours on end several times a week during my University years counts).

Like any endeavor, exercise is something that you'll never find the time for; you have to make the time. Because I'm a mom of 3, I choose to get up early to get my workouts in before the kids are up. Since I have an early-riser, this means waaaaaaaaaaaaaay earlier than I ever actually want to get up, but since it makes such a dramatic difference in how I feel, I do it anyway (usually). 

The yoga that I do every morning is just 7-minutes long. Unfortunately, I can no longer find the video at chopra.com, where I found it, but there are plenty of short routines all over YouTube. When I wake up early enough, I add a Kundalini Kriya (also easy to find on YouTube - there are plenty!) to the mix and feel amazing afterwards. Spotify and Gabrielle Bernstein help me with my music selections!

How to you work exercise into your daily routine? Don't have a routine? Start one today and come back in a week or two to tell us how you're feeling!